HOW TO BE A TOTALLY EXCELLENT ULTIMATE PLAYER IN 10 EASY STEPS
1. MAINTAIN A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.
This is done by being positive your team will win, positive that all your calls are right and the other teams calls are wrong, and being positive you are a most excellent ultimate player. If for some reason (totally unrelated to your excellent play) your team loses, revert to an attitude of being Positively Mental.
2. MAKE SMART CUTS.
The key here is to clog, clog, clog. This is the only sure-fire way to get the disc. By cutting off all other cuts from your teammates, the person with the disc has no choice but to throw to you. Don't worry if you don't get it on your first cut, keep making sleazy clog-cuts until you do get it. Then huck it.
3. MAKE THE RIGHT CALL.
If you are the player with the best perspective, it's your call. If you are involved in the play, it's your call. If you are not in the play, and no decision is made, it's your call. If you are away from the field in a porta-john, it's your call. Don't let anyone deny you this right!
4. CHOOSE YOUR PASSES CAREFULLY.
After you get the disc, make a few fakes, then gaze deep downfield as if in a trance. Let the count get to eight then huck it. This may take blowing off two or three cuts first. If for some reason you do make a swing pass, immediately make the clog-cut.
5. USE THE RIGHT THROW.
Never throw a straight pass when you could throw an inside-out-cross-field-reverse
Passes like this must be used to confuse the defense and break open the field. If your teammate can't catch whatever it was you just threw, scream something like, "It was right there!" or "The count was on nine!"
6. KNOW YOUR TEAMMATES.
If a less than amazing player on your team gets the disc (i.e. anyone other than you), cut right to them, making sure to clog, and yell, "Take your time!" Hover behind them for a dump. Don't clear out. Ever.
7. KNOW THE OTHER TEAM.
Sit on your sideline in someone else's chair and criticize everything the other team does. By keeping the disparity between yourself and others at large, a Positive Mental Attitude can be easily maintained.
8. STAY VISIBLE.
When you're not drinking the other team's water, or sitting in not-your-chair, position yourself directly in front of anyone watching the game and scream hysterically. Be sure to tell your teammates they're cutting in the wrong direction. Cringe, spit, cuss, break some blood vessels, and generally freak out at any pass longer than 30 yards. While watching the game, be sure to stay just inbounds. YOU have the right to be on the field, but of course, no one else does.
9. NEVER SUB OUT.
Well, obviously.
10. AND NEVER FORGET, YOU ARE A GOD
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